Is This MyStory

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Job Seeking and Self Esteem

April 13, 2018 By Nicole Feledy

Most of us have experienced rejection in one form or another and, it hurts. The pain deepens as one rejection lands on another. Imagine the impact on young adults looking for their first job or middle stage workers who, for one reason or another, find themselves scanning the employment pages.

It goes a little like this;

An email arrives in Jim’s inbox. He looks at the sender and notices the company relates to one of his job applications. He feels a moment of elation and hope. Jim clicks the email and reads; ‘we’ve had many quality applicants and appreciate the time you took to apply for this position but unfortunately, we won’t be taking your application further.’ 

The voice inside Jim’s head sees the unwritten words; ‘You didn’t make the cut, you’re not quality, your qualifications aren’t desirable.

This is the 4th letter Jim received this month and the voice inside his head begins to chant, ‘you don’t have what they need, your qualifications mean nothing, you’re, useless’.

However Jim’s tough. He ups his game. With perseverance and grit, he changes tact and widens his search. He becomes more qualified and continues to network. 

But still the rejection letters come. 

Jim’s written and re-written his CV and social media profiles so many times he can’t think of anything else to try. 

Pop psychology fills his news feed – Edison failed 100 x before he invented the light globe. The message seems trite.

Each rejection letter cuts over the previous. The hurt gets deeper and the pain radiates inward.

Continual rejection in the workforce has a debilitating effect on a person’s sense of self worth. They question their ability to contribute and doubt they have anything meaningful to give. Each rejection letter leads to more questions;

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • What else can I do?
  • Don’t people see value in what I offer?
  • Do they even see me?

Self esteem suffers. It becomes easier to drown in self doubt than manage another rejection. Rather than looking for work, they retreat into silent self loathing.

Unfortunately, multiple rejection is not only the experience of the long term unemployed, it is also the experience of many young people trying to find their first job and, many older people who have been retrenched or looking for a career change. How do they maintain self esteem and build self efficacy in the midst of exclusion? Support is vital but often the practical support a person needs is difficult to find.

Even though mindfulness, loving kindness meditation, gratitude journaling and the support of friends and family helps, sometimes it adds to a person’s sense of helplessness. They feel as though they should be able to cope. They have tools and support but, each rejection hurts. It feels like a warning. You haven’t done enough, you’re not good enough to follow you’re passion or you don’t have the capacity to do the work you trained for.

I wish I could offer a failsafe answer but there’s no easy solution. One thing I do know is you can count on your strengths. You can count on that one true inner voice that offers your true story. Learning how to hear that voice and use your strengths gives you the needle and thread to close each rejection wound so it doesn’t leave a bloody mess on the floor. Your talents provide a soothing balm. Your true story’s a guiding light. You succeed because you are called to do so.  When you focus on your talents, engage your strengths and inspire yourself you provide a proactive energy that is recognised by those around you. You know you have what you need to succeed and that energy is contagious. This energy becomes the fuel which guides you toward the role you are meant to play.

 

Nicole is a Gallup certified Strengths Coach, qualified meditation teacher and communication trainer. She helps people unlock thought processes, find their voice and connect to purpose. If you’d like to know more about the habits that allow you to manage your self talk and feel confident in your future, contact Nicole today. Learn how to unlock your innate talents in our complimentary Discover Purpose session. We can arrange face to face consultations on the Gold Coast or Sydney. Alternatively ask about our Zoom sessions.

m: 0425 209 008   e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

Focus | Engage | Inspire

Filed Under: Blog, Self Esteem, Strengths Coaching Tagged With: Job seeking and self esteem, job seeking and strengths Gold Coast

When Mindfulness is Not Enough

May 7, 2017 By Nicole Feledy

Mindfulness practice strengthens our ability to cope with life’s challenges. But what happens when you find yourself in the midst of an event or life changing situation that was beyond your control? 

Mindfulness exercises can help. We can bring attention to the breath, breathe from the tummy (rather than the chest), witness the physical sensations in the body and recognise the emotional and thought patterns associated with them. We can be deliberate, tune into self talk and breathe through the sensations.

But what if the voices keep coming back? How do you manage anxiety when in the grip of one of those cyclic self deprecating self talk storms. You know, those violent clashes between head and heart where you keep telling yourself ‘I should know better’, ‘I should have done it differently’, or ‘why is this happening to me’. You breathe, you sit in the discomfort and the ache is overwhelming. Your heart leaps from your chest in a desperate  attempt to escape the chamber holding it captive. Your skin crawls because it feels like a billion insects have taken residence beneath it.  Your mind is a swirling vortex where nothing seems safe. 

Breathe you say to yourself. Breathe from the tummy. Ride it out. 

But, even as the storm subsides, a dull ache remains. In the aftermath, the devastation is obvious. A new storm threatens as you realise all the work ahead just to pick yourself up and move through the day. 

What now?

This is where we need more than mindfulness. Mindfulness is a beginning. Used regularly it builds the mental fitness to keep us at the top of our game. It helps maintain a healthy heart mind connection. However, life can throw us extreme events. Life shattering, split the ground beneath your feet moments. Although mindfulness training can halt a complete breakdown, it may not be enough.

In these times, I have found solace in strengths and the techniques of narrative. I remind myself to ask, 

  • ‘Is this my story?’
  • “Is this what I want my story to be?’ 
  • ‘What do I need to write to move me through to the next phase of the narrative – to the resolution?’

Then I act. I personify my talents and create a plan for moving forward. The opportunity to be creative brings me a measure of peace. I journal. I write for an audience and I share my story. I look for it to be reflected back to me – I place it where it will be evaluated. I want to see what it looks like from the outside as an objective experience. Here is where I learn, grow and contribute.

However, the next step is harder still. I have to actually do what I have written. This is where the support of friends and family is a life line. A hug, a word of acceptance, recognition for an accomplishment. This is a time to  ask for help and be open to receiving it.

Living a mindful strengths based narrative is a choice. It offers a way forward. However it can not remain a mental activity. It requires active participation in life. 

Choose how to live again.

 

Nicole is a Gallup Certified Strengths Coach, Trained meditation teacher and Narrative Coach, based in Sydney. She helps people find their true path and connect to meaningful relationships. Talk to her today and learn how to unlock your innate talents. Develop the relaxation and mindfulness habits that allow you to manage your mind. If you’d like to know more about improving your communication skills and using your innate patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour, contact Nicole today. We can arrange face to face consultations on the Gold Coast or Sydney. Alternatively ask about our Zoom sessions.  

Call today to arrange your complimentary introduction to Strengths coaching session.

m: 0425 209 008   e: nicole@isthismystory.com

 

Welcome to a World of Expression

Focus | Engage | Inspire

Filed Under: Meditation and Mindfulness, Self Esteem Tagged With: impact of self talk, manage anxiety, mindful strengths based narrative, When mindfulness is not enough

Sorry You Caught Me on a Burning Day

December 5, 2016 By Nicole Feledy

Do you remember the scene from Harry Potter, The Chamber of Secrets when Harry meets Fawks? The bird is scruffy and motley. His feathers are tattered. He looks old and tired. Dumbledore expresses regret. He explains Fawks is a Phoenix and this is a burning day.  

Today, I feel like Fawks. 

I feel scruffy and bedraggled. A deep grey stripe cuts the crown of my head and to me, it matters. I’ll happily accept other people’s hair in all its guises but if mine doesn’t match my expectation of how it ‘should be’, I worry. It’s not concern over what other people think, it’s deeper. It’s personal. 

You’ve caught me on a burning day and my hair echoes my thoughts.

My hair springs from my head. The roots extend into my skull and if they’re grey, it feels as though my thoughts are grey. When my hair is ‘neat’ my thoughts are neat, when my hair goes its own free way, my thoughts are free. When I add colour, my thoughts are fresh. It feels as though when my hair is colourful and curly I get more done. My thoughts are more creative, my writing is lighter and I’m confident. Weird huh? 

Maybe it’s not so weird. 

Hair can be a metaphor. It has certainly been done before. 

Remember the biblical story of Samson and Delilah. Samson told Delilah his great strength came from his hair. Unfortunately, Delilah betrayed him. She cut his hair and Samson lost his power. 

Maybe you can see where I’m going with this? 

Often strength is tied to self image. Physical appearance, or how you keep yourself, can reflect internal processes. Expressions such as ‘you are what you eat’ or ‘dress for success’ are examples. They show how appearance can extend beyond what other people see. They relate to your perception of yourself. They reflect self respect. How you think of yourself is often mirrored in the care you take with your appearance. When you respect yourself, it shows.

Of course there are times I’ve thought I looked good and others thought the opposite. I remember arguments with my parents where I thought I looked sensational but they were horrified – ‘oh no Nicole’ they’d say, ‘you’re not wearing that’. 

Putting generational fashion sense, social conventions, uniforms and business attire aside, our personal impression of how we look and the effort we’re willing to put into our appearance may offer metaphorical clues to what’s happening internally. 

Again, I need to be clear, I’m not advocating a particular appearance or specific level of self care. I’m also not saying one way is better than another. Rather, I’m suggesting you consider your eccentricities in terms of dress or, as in my case, hair. You may learn something about your personal metaphors. 

 I feel better when my hair is the way I like it – be it curly and coloured, straight and refined or serviceably tied in a ponytail on the top of my head. I style my hair for a particular moment. Then my thoughts are in order and ready for a particular situation. I feel strong and able to do what I need to do.

The metaphor runs even deeper. Remember Fawks the Phoenix. He is scruffy on a burning day. However, when he looks his worst he is ready to combust, burn and rise from ashes. He starts again from a raw state and matures into a strong force. It is a cycle.

This is what I remember today. Today I feel scruffy and disheveled. My thoughts are scattered and messy. But tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow the grey stripe will disappear and, just as I can change my appearance, I can change my state of mind. This hair metaphor helps me see I have the power to choose more playful thoughts. It also reminds me when things seem to be their worst, change is just ahead. 

I will be strong again.

At this point I need to make a confession. This post was based on a journal entry. I wrote the journal the day before my hairdresser appointment. The journaling process helped me move through troubling thoughts. Rather than being stuck in grey, I’m not worthy judgments, I used the burning day metaphor to understand what was happening in my mind. Rather than worrying, I wrote. Journaling was my burning. Today, I reflect upon the journal entry. This offers even deeper awareness. I remember I am the author of my story. I remember I have the power to redirect my thoughts and I remember when I change the story, I change my life. 

What story are you telling yourself today?

(image credit https://www.pottermore.com/image/harry-meets-fawkes)

Nicole provides the tools to feel better about yourself and your decisions. She offers a mindful approach to a strength based narrative. Nicole coaches you through the process of identifying your stories and distinguishing the ones that serve you from the ones that have been limiting you. We can arrange face to face coaching on the Gold Coast or in Sydney. Alternatively ask about our Skype sessions.

If you want to reclaim your identity, achieve your goals, and get your life back on track. Contact us today to arrange a complimentary introduction to strengths coaching.

m: 0425 209 008 e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

Focus | Engage | Inspire

 

Filed Under: Blog, Self Esteem Tagged With: reclaim your identity, self respect and appearance

Time to be Yourself

December 11, 2015 By Nicole Feledy

Vespa nicAbout this time last year we won a Vespa. Imagine my excitement, I’d never won anything beyond a bottle of wine. Owning a Vespa was a 20 year dream. It was on my bucket list. It promised retro style and wind through the hair freedom. With eager anticipation I chose a helmet and gloves and walked to the collection point.

It sat waiting. The duco was shimmery green, the was chrome bright and shinny. I sat on the smooth leather seat and reached for the comfortable handle bar. Smile wide and eyes bright, I gazed at the rounded control panel.

I was ready.

Sort of …

You see, I’d never ridden a Vesper. The closest I’d come was riding pillion on a trail bike (when I was 11). Luckily, my husband was more experienced. He was patient. He explained how the gears and brake worked and then, stood back.

“Easy on the throttle and lift your feet”  He said. IMG_1329

The engine purred. The bike started to move.

It moved quickly.

To quickly.

Toward a pole.

I forgot what I was supposed to do.

I jumped off and, terrified of breaking the new toy, held tight to the handle bar and sort of lurched and loped next to the bike.

Thankfully we were in an empty car park and as I jumped, my hand slipped back on the throttle. So, I really only ‘ran’ a couple of steps. Danny ran after me, grabbed the bike and said,

‘Nic, you never jump off’.

He had a point.

Thing I discovered that day, and in the ensuring bike riding lessons after, was that despite wanting a Vespa for years, riding one was simply not in my wheel house. I guess that’s why my brother – also an experienced rider, had gone to great lengths to talk me out of buying one 20 years ago.

The ending to this story is predictable. We sold the Vespa and used the money to buy push bikes – something the whole family could enjoy. I realised, creating my own power was more my style. Sure, I could have persisted. I could have faced my fears and struggled with the intricacy of moving traffic, speedometers, foot gears and hand breaks. Or, I could be honest with myself and choose another way. Something that fitted with ‘who’ I am and what I truely enjoy.

This is what recognising your Strengths is all about. It’s about focusing on what we’re good at rather than struggling to conform to a belief or dream that may not align to what we truely want, need or believe.

I wonder what would happen if we all focused on what was right with us rather than what was wrong. Chances are we’d feel liberated, we’d be less defensive and we’d be happier. When you focus on strengths rather than worrying about weaknesses you give yourself permission to be the best version of yourself.

Unfortunately, society has been lying to us. We can’t be anything we want. No amount of practice or training will turn my flat vocal cords into a soft melody but I can appreciate someone else’s song while developing my skills with the written word. Despite weeks in the carpark, no amount of riding a Vespa developed the coordination and courage I needed to ride on the road. However, I could admit my brother was right and swap motor for pedal.

You see, we each have our own talents and when we truely start recognising our abilities, rather than anxiously coveting what someone else has, we free ourself to live the life we were born to live.

What were you born to do?

Many Hands raise high upThis mightn’t be an easy question. It can be difficult to recognise exactly what we do well. Sometimes it’s hard to describe our talents because they seem so natural to us. What we do when we’re in flow seems easy. We forget what’s simple for us, may not be easy for everyone else. Often the things we are best at are the things we least see. So, we need someone else to hold a mirror.

Ask yourself;

  1. What gives you joy?
  2. When do you feel most comfortable?
  3. When was the last time you looked back at something you did and thought ‘wow’?
  4. When was the last time you looked back at realised what seemed like minutes was actually hours?

If these questions are not easy to answer and you’d like to know how to access your innate talents, visit the Clifton Strength Centre.

If you’d like some training that’ll help you flex your mental and emotional muscle, let me show you how.

Call today to arrange a complimentary introduction to Strengths coaching session.  

m: 0425 209 008   e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

Focus | Engage | Inspire

Filed Under: Blog, Self Esteem, Strengths Coaching Tagged With: access your innate talents, Strength Coaching Gold Coast, Time to be Yourself

Communicate Effectively

September 25, 2015 By Nicole Feledy

CommunicateHave you ever Googled ‘How to communicate more effectively’? Maybe that’s what brought you here. Perhaps you’ve been wondering how you can share your ideas in meaningful ways to inspire others. More likely you’re tired of arguing, you’re sick of being misunderstood and you’d simply like to know how to communicate better with the people you love.

I’ve been in your shoes.

My partner Danny and I love each other dearly, yet there’ve been times when we lost sight of what mattered. We focused on all those things that irritated us and we picked at it. Niggled away, found fault and doled out blame. It seemed nothing was good enough. At least, that’s how it felt. Yet, when we finally hit pause and looked beyond the words we hurled at each other, we found despite the differences, we felt the same way. We were even thinking the same things. In most cases, it was poor communication (rather than opposing ideas) that was driving a wedge between us.

But we were supposed to know better.

As coaches, trainers, teachers, effective communication is part of our job – we base our career and professionalism on our ability to share our message. And when we’re at work, we do a great job. Why did we have so much trouble at home? Perhaps even deeper was the fear that if we were having so much trouble home, maybe we weren’t doing a good job at work either. Perhaps we weren’t good enough.

Enter a downward spiral.

Thankfully we are coaches, trainers and teachers. So, we recognised the spiral. We saw the pattern, we looked at our thoughts, we identified our emotions and examined our behaviours. Then, we acted.

We realised, like any skill, communication muscles vary according to context. You may like to think of it this way.  A person who is fit and runs everyday, may find themselves using a different set of muscles when they swim. Although they are physically fit, they may experience fatigue as they flex the new muscles. For this reason, a person who wants flexibility in their fitness may choose to cross train, mixing swimming, running, cycling and weight training.

In essence what I’m suggesting is that recognising context (the situation) is an important part of the communication process. When we recognise context, we can choose a communication style that matches. We also need to be aware of who we are communicating with and why we are communicating. Then we can apply the words, tone and body language that have the best chance of success.

But we can go even deeper. We can recognise the patterns within our communication and see the interplay of thought, emotion and behaviour. The challenge is to know ourself – our internal relationship and inner space. Then we can look at our relationships with others and our place within a wider world.

Successful communication requires us to understand ourself. We need to become aware of

  • our thoughts and emotions
  • how our thoughts and emotions effect what we do
  • what we are actually doing
  • what we say about what we’re doing

We also need to be aware of how thoughts and emotions influence the behaviour and words of those around us.

When we understand the interplay between our relationship with ourself, and our relationship with others, we start to appreciate the nuance of interdependent relationships. This is when we communicate most effectively. Put simply, when we recognise our position in relation to ourself and others, communication improves.

This is what Danny and I realised. We needed to tap into our thoughts, emotions and behaviours. We needed to find a way to identify and manage them. We needed to be aware of our innate yearnings and see how our instinctive view of the world was influencing our perspective. We needed to see how our perspective influenced the way we communicated with each other.

So, before asking, ‘how can I communicate my ideas more effectively’, perhaps you could ask yourself;

  • What am I thinking?
  • How am I feeling?
  • Why do I want to share this message?
  • Who am I sharing my message with?
  • How is my message affected by my current thoughts and feelings?
  • How may my message be influenced by the thoughts and emotions of the person with whom I’m speaking?

Of course, effective communication is an exchange. To effectively communicate, you also need to listen effectively.

Perhaps I’ll leave that post for next week.

 

Learn how to unlock your innate talent using the Clifton Strength Finder. Develop the relaxation and mindfulness habits that allow you to manage your mind. If you’d like to know more about improving your communication skills or gaining a greater awareness of your innate patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour. Contact Nicole today. 

e: nicole@isthismystory.com  m: 0425 209 008

Welcome to a World of Expression

Filed Under: Blog, Communication, Self Esteem, Strengths Coaching Tagged With: Communicating effectively, how to communicate better, How to communicate more effectively

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Nicole Shares Leadership Talents

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Nicole Talks Connectedness

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Is This MyStory – Guided Meditation

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