Blog – Page 5

Time to be Yourself

December 11, 2015 By Nicole Feledy

About this time last year we won a Vespa. Imagine my excitement, I’d never won anything beyond a bottle of wine. Owning a Vespa was a 20 year dream. It was on my bucket list. It promised retro style and wind through the hair freedom. With eager anticipation I chose a helmet and gloves and walked to the collection point.

It sat waiting. The duco was shimmery green, the was chrome bright and shinny. I sat on the smooth leather seat and reached for the comfortable handle bar. Smile wide and eyes bright, I gazed at the rounded control panel.

I was ready.

Sort of …

You see, I’d never ridden a Vesper. The closest I’d come was riding pillion on a trail bike (when I was 11). Luckily, my husband was more experienced. He was patient. He explained how the gears and brake worked and then, stood back.

“Easy on the throttle and lift your feet” He said.

The engine purred. The bike started to move.

It moved quickly.

To quickly.

Toward a pole.

I forgot what I was supposed to do.

I jumped off and, terrified of breaking the new toy, held tight to the handle bar and sort of lurched and loped next to the bike.

Thankfully we were in an empty car park and as I jumped, my hand slipped back on the throttle. So, I really only ‘ran’ a couple of steps. Danny ran after me, grabbed the bike and said,

‘Nic, you never jump off’.

He had a point.

Thing I discovered that day, and in the ensuring bike riding lessons after, was that despite wanting a Vespa for years, riding one was simply not in my wheel house. I guess that’s why my brother – also an experienced rider, had gone to great lengths to talk me out of buying one 20 years ago.

The ending to this story is predictable. We sold the Vespa and used the money to buy push bikes – something the whole family could enjoy. I realised, creating my own power was more my style. Sure, I could have persisted. I could have faced my fears and struggled with the intricacy of moving traffic, speedometers, foot gears and hand breaks. Or, I could be honest with myself and choose another way. Something that fitted with ‘who’ I am and what I truely enjoy.

This is what recognising your Strengths is all about. It’s about focusing on what we’re good at rather than struggling to conform to a belief or dream that may not align to what we truely want, need or believe.

I wonder what would happen if we all focused on what was right with us rather than what was wrong. Chances are we’d feel liberated, we’d be less defensive and we’d be happier. When you focus on strengths rather than worrying about weaknesses you give yourself permission to be the best version of yourself.

Unfortunately, society has been lying to us. We can’t be anything we want. No amount of practice or training will turn my flat vocal cords into a soft melody but I can appreciate someone else’s song while developing my skills with the written word. Despite weeks in the carpark, no amount of riding a Vespa developed the coordination and courage I needed to ride on the road. However, I could admit my brother was right and swap motor for pedal.

You see, we each have our own talents and when we truely start recognising our abilities, rather than anxiously coveting what someone else has, we free ourself to live the life we were born to live.

What were you born to do?

This mightn’t be an easy question. It can be difficult to recognise exactly what we do well. Sometimes it’s hard to describe our talents because they seem so natural to us. What we do when we’re in flow seems easy. We forget what’s simple for us, may not be easy for everyone else. Often the things we are best at are the things we least see. So, we need someone else to hold a mirror.

Ask yourself;

What gives you joy?
When do you feel most comfortable?
When was the last time you looked back at something you did and thought ‘wow’?
When was the last time you looked back at realised what seemed like minutes was actually hours?

If these questions are not easy to answer and you’d like to know how to access your innate talents, visit the Clifton Strength Centre.

If you’d like some training that’ll help you flex your mental and emotional muscle, let me show you how.

Call today to arrange a complimentary introduction to Strengths coaching session.

m: 0425 209 008 e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

Focus | Engage | Inspire

Where Do You Find Grit – How Do You Develop Tenacity?

November 16, 2015 By Nicole Feledy

Picking yourself up after a setback and having the will to keeping going takes tenacity. It demands grit.

Where do you find it?

Where do you go to when you need to dig deep, shoulder the load and move forward?

You see, even though it may be tempting to search for answers and wrack your brain for clues, a quest for answers may make it worse. What if your analysis of the past is thinly disguised self sabotage?

What if you’re berating yourself for past mistakes and, instead of taking action, you’re worrying? You worry about worry. You worry about worrying about worry. Worry becomes a cycle, a pattern that keeps you inactive. Every solution seems like another mistake in the making. Sometimes, a desperate attempt to find answers only leads to more problems. Worrying about weaknesses creates a frantic ‘patch the hole’ exercise. The problem deepens. You try to plug the gap, only to find a fresh leak somewhere else.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

You can tell a different story. You can change the reality of NOW. You can re-focus your thoughts and face the problem by turning to look at the outcome.

What is it you want?

What do you yearn for?

You see, often a solution starts with a different set of question.

To find grit and develop tenacity, focus on what you are good at and devote attention to the destination. What do you want? Why do you want it? How can you use what you have in your hands right now, to move in that direction?

The aim is to determine what you want so you can figure out where you want to go. This is a strategy that takes responsibility for now and focuses on action, rather than worrying about weakness. What you need is a system that reaches for an outcome rather than looping and procrastinating through endless scenarios to find reasons for past failures. Concentrating on what went wrong may send you down a path you’ve traveled before.

Perhaps an analogy will help.

Imagine driving a car on wet Friday evening. It is windy and the rain lashes the road in wet sheets. A dog crosses your vision. You slam on the brakes. You slide. The car skids toward toward an embankment. Desperate to regain control you wrench the wheel. What does your head do?

Where are you looking? Where’s your focus?

If you’re looking at the embankment, that’s probably the direction you’ll go. However, if you focus on the road, looking where you want the car to go, maybe you’ll stay on track.

What’s the purpose of this story?

Like the golfer who needs to look at the green and the basketballer who needs to look at the hoop, this story illustrates, what we focus on is where we’ll go.

So, I challenge you to stop worrying about what has happened and start focusing on the desired outcome. Look at the solution rather than worrying about the problem. Of course, you need to be aware of potential hazards. However, once you’ve identified them, plot the path around, over and through them. Move toward your goal, move with purpose, use your strengths.

What’ll keep you going?

Knowing why. Knowing where you’re going, knowing what you’ll achieve by going there and valuing it. This is up to you. Tenacity, grit and determination builds internally.

It you want to start now, try this quick exercise.

Grab a pen and piece of paper – and yes I know, you could simply tap it in your phone, but for the sake of this exercise try the physical sensation of putting pen to paper. As you write, think about the words and how each letter combines in harmony to create a meaningful utterance – a word. Be entirely focused in the now, in the feel of the pen, the texture of the paper and how the two meet under just the right amount of pressure to collaborate. Answer these questions,

What do you want?
Why do you want it?
How can you use what you have in your hands right now, to move in that direction?

Now start moving. Use what you have within reach and do something. Take a action toward your destination.

Find Grit, Develop Tenacity. Focus on your talents and step into your strengths.

Learn how to unlock your innate talent using the Clifton Strength Finder. Develop the relaxation and mindfulness habits that allow you to manage your mind. If you’d like to know more about improving your communication skills or gaining a greater awareness of your innate patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour. Contact Nicole today.

e: nicole@isthismystory.com | m: 0425 209 008

Focus | Engage | Inspire

Communicate Effectively

September 25, 2015 By Nicole Feledy

Have you ever Googled ‘How to communicate more effectively’? Maybe that’s what brought you here. Perhaps you’ve been wondering how you can share your ideas in meaningful ways to inspire others. More likely you’re tired of arguing, you’re sick of being misunderstood and you’d simply like to know how to communicate better with the people you love.

I’ve been in your shoes.

My partner Danny and I love each other dearly, yet there’ve been times when we lost sight of what mattered. We focused on all those things that irritated us and we picked at it. Niggled away, found fault and doled out blame. It seemed nothing was good enough. At least, that’s how it felt. Yet, when we finally hit pause and looked beyond the words we hurled at each other, we found despite the differences, we felt the same way. We were even thinking the same things. In most cases, it was poor communication (rather than opposing ideas) that was driving a wedge between us.

But we were supposed to know better.

As coaches, trainers, teachers, effective communication is part of our job – we base our career and professionalism on our ability to share our message. And when we’re at work, we do a great job. Why did we have so much trouble at home? Perhaps even deeper was the fear that if we were having so much trouble home, maybe we weren’t doing a good job at work either. Perhaps we weren’t good enough.

Enter a downward spiral.

Thankfully we are coaches, trainers and teachers. So, we recognised the spiral. We saw the pattern, we looked at our thoughts, we identified our emotions and examined our behaviours. Then, we acted.

We realised, like any skill, communication muscles vary according to context. You may like to think of it this way. A person who is fit and runs everyday, may find themselves using a different set of muscles when they swim. Although they are physically fit, they may experience fatigue as they flex the new muscles. For this reason, a person who wants flexibility in their fitness may choose to cross train, mixing swimming, running, cycling and weight training.

In essence what I’m suggesting is that recognising context (the situation) is an important part of the communication process. When we recognise context, we can choose a communication style that matches. We also need to be aware of who we are communicating with and why we are communicating. Then we can apply the words, tone and body language that have the best chance of success.

But we can go even deeper. We can recognise the patterns within our communication and see the interplay of thought, emotion and behaviour. The challenge is to know ourself – our internal relationship and inner space. Then we can look at our relationships with others and our place within a wider world.

Successful communication requires us to understand ourself. We need to become aware of

our thoughts and emotions
how our thoughts and emotions effect what we do
what we are actually doing
what we say about what we’re doing

We also need to be aware of how thoughts and emotions influence the behaviour and words of those around us.

When we understand the interplay between our relationship with ourself, and our relationship with others, we start to appreciate the nuance of interdependent relationships. This is when we communicate most effectively. Put simply, when we recognise our position in relation to ourself and others, communication improves.

This is what Danny and I realised. We needed to tap into our thoughts, emotions and behaviours. We needed to find a way to identify and manage them. We needed to be aware of our innate yearnings and see how our instinctive view of the world was influencing our perspective. We needed to see how our perspective influenced the way we communicated with each other.

So, before asking, ‘how can I communicate my ideas more effectively’, perhaps you could ask yourself;

What am I thinking?
How am I feeling?
Why do I want to share this message?
Who am I sharing my message with?
How is my message affected by my current thoughts and feelings?
How may my message be influenced by the thoughts and emotions of the person with whom I’m speaking?

Of course, effective communication is an exchange. To effectively communicate, you also need to listen effectively.

Perhaps I’ll leave that post for next week.

e: nicole@isthismystory.com m: 0425 209 008

Welcome to a World of Expression

Becoming a Better Writer – Write to Engage Your Reader.

February 9, 2015 By Nicole Feledy

Why do you write? Do you write for yourself or because you want to be read. Perhaps it’s a bit of both. For example, in this post I’m writing for you; to help you improve your writing. However, blogging also allows me space to practise writing. The key to becoming a better writer is to write; write regularly, write frequently and create a writing habit. Of course, the most important partner in this process is the reader. We can practise all we like but if we’re writing to be read, we need to engage our reader.

How do we engage our reader? Perhaps it’s time for a story.

It helps to remember that most readers like stories more than bland facts or authoritative instructions. They like to immerse themselves in the words and feel connected. In other words, your words need to matter enough to inspire your reader. Your reader needs to want to keep reading.

Imagine meeting George at a party. George likes to talk about himself. He rambles on and on about where he’s been, what he does and how well he does it. Luckily tonight, he is feeling generous.

George asks “what you do?”

You mention you’re thinking of starting a new venture.

George’s ears prick up. He sits forward in his chair, rubs his hands gleefully and says, “I know all about that. You know what you need to do, you need to …”

Then, for the next hour, George keeps telling you. He tells you and tells you and tells you. George tells you all the reasons you need to listen to him because he knows best.

How would you feel, has George inspired you?

Maybe he has, especially if you can use his story to improve your writing. Think about it. Do you listen to your audience? Do you allow them time to think, speak and share their ideas. Can this even be achieved?

The simple answer is yes; ask questions. Ask questions within your writing and leave your reader the mental space to discover an answer. You may like to look at something you’ve written recently. Read the questions below and ask yourself, “have I engaged my reader?’

1. Does your writing have a clear purpose that is obvious to, and resonates with, your reader?
2. Will the reader understand how reading benefits them?
3. Are your words written in clear, plain English?
4. Do you offer instructions in an easily recognisable, step by step format?
5. Have you used stories, metaphors or analogies to create a personal connection?

Another useful tip for creating connection is to share some of your own vulnerability. Many readers like to feel they have something to offer. Many like to help. They are happy feeling sympathy or empathy. Why? Because when we feel sympathy or empathy, we don’t feel alone. We don’t feel inferior. We don’t feel as though we’re the only ones with a problem. We don’t feel like we’re being judged. Instead we believe we have something someone else needs. We have answers. We have something to give.

Of course, many of these feelings swirl deep within the reader’s unconscious mind. In all probability, most readers aren’t consciously aware of their emotions. But you are. As the writer, you ‘get’ your audience and tap into their emotion. As a result, your readers will believe you understand them. You understand their position, you share their perspective and you acknowledge them as an individual. This is when your writing matters.

So, think about your reaction to what you read. What resonated with you? Did anything frustrate you? What could you do better?

Here’s the challenge, take what I have offered and improve it!

First, you may like to think about this. As human beings, we tend to be competitive (even when we don’t think we are). We like to prove ourself, we like to be better. We also like rewards. We like to be reassured that what we’re doing matters. We like to add value (think about our friend George). We also like to be part of something, we like to belong.

How can your writing, your words, add value and create a sense of belonging?

Challenge yourself now, re-read something you wrote. Compete with yourself; write it better. Then, very importantly, validate what you did well.

If you’d like more tips, editing or coaching, write to me: nicole@isthismystory.com

Too Much Screen Time

November 16, 2013 By Nicole Feledy

Teenagers today spend too much time in front of a screen! Are you nodding your head in agreement or shaking it in despair? Are you slumping your shoulders in helplessness or raising your hands in frustration? Do you think this is a ‘new’ problem caused by mobile media or is it simply a transferral of old habits?

My daughter 13, and son 18, both have smart phones and lap tops. They use them in the bedroom, family room, car, bus, library and playground … I think you’ll see where I’m going with this. They look at screens a lot. They use technology to remain connected to their social and learning worlds.

But …

My children also lead active, physical lives. They play sport, go out with friends and study using pen and paper. We even talk. We chat over dinner, in the car, watching TV, while reading, when walking. This is what we, as a family, do. We discuss. We exchange ideas, we talk about what we’re doing, why we are doing it and how we feel. Even though my children look at screens, they are not inert, nor are they missing real interactions with friends and family.

The same can be said of my students. Discussions in class, recounts of weekend sport and observations in the playground reassure me – children today may seem to spend a lot of time looking at screens but that doesn’t mean technology is depriving them of meaningful social, sporting or learning opportunities.

I remember the media criticising the amount of time my generation spent watching TV. I remember my parents yelling at me to get off the phone and jerking the cord from the wall. I even remember my mother telling me to get my nose out of a book and into fresh air.

So have teenager pursuits really changed or is it just that they are doing the same things using different media?

Perhaps its time to look at the question of screen time from a different perspective because I have seen a shift in teenage wellbeing. These shifts aren’t necessarily the result of too much screen time – but they may be a consequence of a teenager’s need to find connection.

As a teacher, I have seen too many students who are terrified of exam results; they believe their self-worth is determined by numbers on a page. I have seen too many teenagers recount facts rather than evaluating the ideas supporting them. I have seen creativity stifled by a belief that there is only one ‘right’ answer. I have too many young adults disconnected from their future.

Is this the result of too much screen time?

It could be, or it could be the result of a high a cost of living. Maybe too many of us are time poor. How often do we recognise the moment? Are we attentive to those around us?

Rather than worrying about too much screen time, rather than imposing rigid rules, rather than counting all the things that could go wrong, maybe we need more talk. We need meaningful interactions. We don’t have to ‘take things away’. Instead, we could enrich the experiences our children enjoy. We can encourage our teenagers to actively and consciously, communicate.

Perhaps this way our children can learn to self regulate and manage their own screen time.

Welcome to a World of Expression

If you would like some personalised study coaching contact Nicole, nicole@isthismystory.com

Would you like to help your teenager develop self-regulation and personal responsibility? You can learn more about our workshops and coaching sessions here

You can get a copy of Nicole’s e-book here and paperback here (or for a limited first edition contact Nicole: nicole@isthismystory.com)

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Choose to Be The Author of Your Life

Time to be Yourself

Where Do You Find Grit – How Do You Develop Tenacity?

Communicate Effectively

Becoming a Better Writer – Write to Engage Your Reader.

Too Much Screen Time

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