Nicole Feledy – Page 4

When Learner, Input & Intellection Go Dark

September 11, 2016 By Nicole Feledy

The day I discovered I was pregnant with my first child was one of the happiest days of my life. It was also the scariest. My body was not my own. I realised every mouthful, every action, every decision would be felt by two.

I didn’t have control.

This was unfamiliar territory. So I did what I’ve always done, I hit the books and followed a predictable pattern; study, find the path, learn more, feel safe.

And it worked …

While my son was safety cocooned, I controlled our environment. I read the books, learnt the theory, gathered the knowledge and thought I could solve each problem.

Then he was born.

I was terrified of doing something wrong
It soon became obvious that all my learning, all the neat little theories, scenarios and models wouldn’t help. They were carefully placed boxes that looked pretty but weren’t real. For a person who’d always prided herself on finding the answer, it was a cruel joke. Motherhood was not how I planned. It felt like I’d prepared for an English paper only to enter the exam room and find myself in Science practical. Being Mum meant ‘learning on the job’. I couldn’t systemise. I couldn’t pause, contemplate, re-read and redo. I needed to respond immediately.

It was the first time in my life my ability to learn and gather information didn’t work. I felt like a failure and believed I wasn’t good enough.

I wish I’d known more about my talents
According to StrengthsFinder, most of my talents are in the Strategic Thinking domain. Learning, processing ideas and gathering information energises me. They are my areas of greatest strength. However, if overused, they’re also my greatest weakness.

I wish I’d known more about my talents when my son was born because understanding talent themes helps a person see resourceful and unresourceful behaviors. When I completed the Strengthfinder assessment I discovered my signature themes were Strategic Connectedness, Learner, Intellection and Input, Or, as I like to call them, Mum, Dad and the triplets.

Sometimes the Triplets Get in Trouble
In times of stress my coping strategy is – ‘learn more, think deeper, find more information’. This is the dark side of the Learner, Intellection, Input trio.

When in the Dark Trio’s grip I feel compelled to gather more information, ask more questions, conduct wider research.

I gorge myself on knowledge and adopt a toxic mantra – process harder, think faster, do it alone.

I get stuck in the belief that if I can just find the connection between my current circumstance and my desired condition, I’ll find my way. I believe knowledge will ease the pain and reduce the burden of guilt. I think the only way to ease the ‘I’m not good enough’ pain, is to find an elusive answer.

Maybe you’ve experienced the dark side of the trio.

A Deadly Collision – Tired, Stressed and Lonely
The dark trio appear when you hit the wall. You’re tired, stressed and short on resources. It could be a lack of time, lack of money, lack of love or lack of support. You’re disconnected and the ground beneath your feet is sucky mud. Your mind is stuck in a dark swamp and you can’t see clearly. You become disorientated and instead of swimming toward the surface, you go deeper. You look for an answer in the recesses of thought and become tangled in a looping search. However, rather than using the information you find, you bundle it into a pack on your back and keep searching. The load gets heavier and heavier until you collapse.

Stuck in an Endless Search
For many years the destructive power of the Dark Trio haunted me.

I was in a constant search for answers.

Although I discovered the power of journaling, the value of narrative and the solace of meditation it wasn’t until I understood my talents that clouds lifted.

I found my words.

Words of Ignition.

Now, when I become disorientated, I have a vocabulary to rebuild connections. My personal words are like a signal to move out of a dark basement and into a light filled balcony.

Using Trigger Words
When you find your trigger words, you have a tool for monitoring self talk. My dark trio thrive on the words such as ‘I’m not good enough’. It is a thought pattern that sends them into overdrive, searching for the perfect answer.

In the past, the dark trio paralysed me. Learner, Intellection and Input locked themselves in the basement playing in a sandpit of procrastination.

Now Connectedness and Strategic open the door.

If I find myself in the basement feeling lonely, tired and helpless, I look to the words of Connectedness and Strategic. From this brightly lit place, Learner, Input and Intellection work productively. They find what is needed and take action.

If you haven’t been exposed to StrengthsFinder, some of this vocabulary may sound strange. The important thing to see is where you ‘go’ in times of stress. Then you can discover the processes involved and find a better way to become unstuck.

Delete toxic habits.
It’s important to remember, each person has their own toxic patterns. These patterns create unresourceful behaviours. Therefore, a set of strategies that work for one person may not work for another. My unresourceful patterns relate to my trio. You may have a different set. This is why adopting a one size fits all solution to stress management doesn’t work. You need to recognise your own toxic words and patterns.

Find Your Words
You can find your ‘words’ by understanding the fears associated with your talent themes. It’ll help you mind your self-talk and uncover what’s really going on. You’ll manage stress by recognising your triggers.

My toxic vocabulary is

I’m not good enough
I don’t have enough information’.

It sends me into chronic search. Like an internet page that won’t load, I go round and round in a stationary circle searching for a broken link.

However, I’ve learnt to recognise the signal. If I find myself using my toxic sentences, I reconnect to the server and open a new page.

What are your toxic words?

If you’d like to more about using the words of your talent themes to escape toxic internal dialogue and discover resourceful behaviours, contact Nicole for a free introduction to Strengths conversation. We’re based in QLD and can arrange face to face consultations on the Gold Coast or Sydney. Alternatively ask about our Skype sessions.

Call today to arrange your complimentary introduction to Strengths coaching session.

m: 0425 209 008 e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

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My Strengths Family

July 4, 2016 By Nicole Feledy

Version 2 Last night I watched Cheaper by the Dozen. Then I watched Cheaper by the Dozen 2. It was a night to reconnect with a sense of family. My mind wandered along its usual paths, climbing into crevices, checking hidden recesses for glimpses of gold and I stumbled upon a new intriguing image. My talents form a family.

Among coaches we’re used to using metaphors and thinking about relationships. We consider theme dynamics and look at how talents align, join together and form a pattern. My love of stories led me to personify the process. I think about my themes in terms of an imaginary board of directors and call on them for advice or ideas. We conduct meetings, discuss projects, plan events and action items. Sometimes, Strategic partners with Connectedness to work on a particular project. Other times, Intellection collaborates with Learner and Input. They provide the data Strategic and Connectedness need to keep everything moving forward.

However, after thinking about the nature of family, I realised I could use a metaphor closer to home. My talents are more than a board of directors. They’re my internal family. When they function collaboratively with shared purpose and respect for what each brings, they create a sense of belonging. I feel strong, whole and complete. When I’m consciously aware of allowing my talents to play to their strengths, life seems to ‘work’. I am in flow and this is a space of happiness and positivity.

Today I think of my Strategic as Dad – keeping us safe, guiding us forward and ensuring we reach our destination. Connectedness is Mum, holding us together, knowing where everyone is, what they need and building awareness of factors beyond an immediate field of vision. Intellection, Learner and Input are the children. They play in the space created by Strategic and Connectedness. As they grow and mature, they help ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’ understand more about themselves and the changing dynamic of our family. Of course, as is the case with any family, there are times of discord. These are moments when one Talent is not appreciated or is in conflict with the needs of another. This is when Values step in to remind us of shared experience. We see what is important and navigate back on track.

If you’ve seen the movie Inside Out, you’ll probably have a visual of what I’m talking about. If you’ve done the StrengthsFinder assessment and know your talent themes, you may like to try this exercise.

Think about your talents and imagine what’s going on inside your mind.
Be alert to the emotions and thoughts that accompany particular tasks – especially the ones that bring you joy. Notice how and when your talents are showing up in your life.
Consciously think about the ways they work together.
Personify your talents and create characters by imagining what they ‘look’ and ‘sound’ like.

You could even write a journal entry reflecting on something that’s happened in your life. However, rather than describing the events in terms of actions, think in terms of your talent characters and how they showed up to help.

Before becoming a Strengths Coach, I was a secondary school English teacher. I became an English teacher because I loved stories – not for the sake of literature but because stories offer a chance to share our lives and communicate thoughts and emotions. I believe stories are the strands of human connection. In terms of my talent family, stories are the rooms that create our home.

Where do your talents live?

If you’d like to know more about improving your communication skills or gaining a greater awareness of your innate patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour, contact Nicole today, We’re based in QLD and can arrange face to face consultations on the Gold Coast or Sydney. Alternatively ask about our Skype sessions.

Call and arrange your complimentary introduction to Strengths coaching session.

m: 0425 209 008 e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

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How Can I Support My Anxious Son

May 12, 2016 By Nicole Feledy

My son was an anxious child. He struggled with reading and writing and was typecast with learning difficulties. Yet, his memory and ability to critically reflect was excellent. He learnt by listening, watching and doing. When speaking, he presented thoughtful well-reasoned arguments – this often came as a surprise to teachers who didn’t think he was capable of doing the work. My son was not recognised for what he could do, instead he was continually pulled up for what he could not do.

School Was a Struggle
My son didn’t like disappointing his teachers and didn’t like feeling behind his classmates. Every written word fueled his anxiety. He worried about how he looked. He checked and re-checked his work. It was time consuming and learning remained a source of frustration. He developed a range of avoidance tactics.

We took him to reading recovery classes and anxiety clinics. His reading improved and he learnt to manage his emotions however, his success in the classroom often depended on how well his teachers understood him – would they look past his learning anxiety, to his considerate and thoughtful mind.

As parents, we supported as best we could. We provided a loving home, recognised his triumphs and stood on hand during times of challenge. We wanted him to have the tools and environment to thrive. Yet, as it turned out, what he needed was dormant.

Finding Strength
Our son’s life began to flourish when he recognised his strengths. He did Gallup’s StrengthsQuest and at first was angry with the results. He looked at his talents and said “but this is what I hate most about myself.”

It was a defining moment.

Imagine his internal conflict. The things he was best at were the things he fought against. He didn’t believe his talents had value. He hid them and didn’t let himself shine.

A New Story
Today it’s a different story. As he enters his 21^st year, my son is a confident, self-directed young man who has a clear vision of what he wants to achieve and how he can achieve it. He found the ease of mind that comes from recognising what he has to offer. More than that, he realises what he offers has value.

Once he reframed his thoughts and understood (and could language) what he did well, he began to leverage his strengths. He focused his talents toward getting done what needed doing rather than fighting to squash them. His developed patterns for performance. He had success and felt valued for what he did.

Our Children Want To Be Recognised
Recently I read a Facebook post about another mother’s son. Her son was just starting school. He too was struggling with reading and he too had a quick mind. He was showing signs of anxiety because he didn’t want to disappoint the people around him. I felt her anguish and frustration.

Perhaps this is one aspects of early anxiety we, as parents, don’t always see. Children want success. They want to be valued and recognised for what they can do. However they don’t want empty platitudes or ‘good job’ praise. They want to be appreciated for what they know they do well.

What Can We Do
As parents of anxious children, we can help by offering a stable internal centre. We can help our children identify what they do well and give them a language for explaining it. This is the start of self-efficacy. When a child feels valued for what they enjoy doing, they feel a sense of accomplishment and acceptance. However, when they’re praised for something they struggled with, initial feelings of achievement may mix with a sense of foreboding – they start telling themselves a story. They believe they’re going to have to keep struggling over and over again, just to keep our approval. This can increase anxiety.

We Can Recognise Our Children’s Talents.
We can help our children name their talents and show them we value the things they do well. This helps them develop a sense of self-efficacy. When our children realise they have the ability to achieve, they gain access to a self perpetuating power source. Their achievements provide fuel so, when they’re in a situation outside their comfort zone, they know where to find the strength to move past the ‘it’s to hard’ story. This can increase confidence. They discover what they need to get the job done.

How to Spot Talent
You can recognise your child’s talents by being alert to their behaviours. Watch their play and pay attention to communication with siblings and other adults. Listen to teacher’s comments about exchanges at school. Consider your child’s participation in sport. Look at the way they manage their belongings or care for pets. The aim is to collect insights into your child’s reoccurring patterns of thought, emotion and behavior. Their behaviour offers clues to talents. For example, after a soccer match, is your child elated by the win or energised by an hour with friends? Ask yourself;

What activity is my child continually drawn toward?
When does my child learn things quickly and easily?
What is my child doing when they are excited and enthusiastic about a task?
When is my child so engrossed in a task they lose track of time?

Look for the patterns beneath the behaviours. Remember, this is simply the beginning. It is a process that takes time. You’re developing a shift in your perspective too.

I know adopting a strength-based approach works. It helped my son because it provided tangible tools to manage his anxiety. It helped our family become more alert to our communication. We learnt to recognise our needs. We developed the strength to move through the challenging times. We realised we could support each other by valuing the things we did well.

If you’d like to know more about how to help your child manage anxiety by adopting a strength-based parenting approach, contact us today.

m: 0425 209 008 e: nicole@isthismystory.com

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How to Encourage a Positive Approach to Senior Study

February 10, 2016 By Nicole Feledy

It’s the start of the School year. My daughter has entered year 11. Like many parents I’m wondering where the years have gone. My baby is now a senior. She will embark upon rigorous study routines, feel strained by mountainous homework and navigate the peaks and troughs of HSC preparation. Her school is proactive, they’ve engaged experts to talk with students and parents on topics ranging from mental stillness, physical activity, healthy eating, managing time and balancing friendships. They’re doing all they can to provide a platform for my daughter to succeed. I am grateful.

However, I know my daughter’s success will be her decision and importantly, her effort. My daughter needs to know why she is doing what she is doing. Purpose will provide her with hope, direction and energy. She also needs to know how she can accomplish her aims. Recognising her strengths and being willing to apply them will help her traverse the learning landscape. My daughter needs to know which tools and strategies will help her on the journey. She needs to develop skills and knowledge through a commitment to deep practice.

How can we, as parents, help?

Professor Lea Waters, from the Centre for Positive Psychology at The University of Melbourne explains that when young people are developing a sense of self, separate to their parents, they’re vulnerable. This is a time of anxious exhilaration. Students in their senior years of school are emerging adults. They’re stepping into the uncharted territory of increased personal and social responsibility. Water’s research suggests a strengths based approach to parenting may be the best way to support and nurture this transition.

“When parents seek to identify and amplify their son or daughter’s strengths this build confidence in teenagers and helps to buffer them against the stressors of teenage life.”

A Strengths Based Approach to Parenting

Perhaps the key factor here is that our teenage children need to feel accepted for being themselves and rewarded for what they bring to a situation. This builds confidence and helps them develop a proactive approach to getting things done. Research by Gallup and the VIA Institute suggests that adopting a strengths-based approach to parenting can have significant benefits to families. A strengths-based approach provides a shared language for recognising what is done well.

However, focusing on strengths does not mean ignoring weakness. Instead it’s about recognising what is done well so that patterns of achievement can be applied to things that are not going so well. It is about seeing through a problem to the solution. Essentially a strengths-based approach involves identifying the patterns of behavior beneath a particular task and choosing the thoughts, emotions and actions that lead to success.

Strategies for Appreciating Strengths

Strengths Spotting – be alert to the times your son or daughter is actively using their strengths and offer specific praise at the time.
Write your daughter or son a note or letter that describes the strengths you see in them.
When confronted with a challenge, ask your son or daughter which strength they could use to manage or solve the problem.

A strengths based approach recognises that it is as important in the late teen years, as it was in the toddler years, to catch our children doing something good. For my daughter to flourish in her senior years of school, her father and I need to provide an environment where she has the confidence to thrive. Her school is doing their part. Her father and I need to do ours. We can provide a home where she feels safe, valued for who she is and what she wants to achieve. Importantly, we need to realise, our daughter’s hopes, strengths and values may be different to our own. If we know our daughter’s values, strengths and goals we can offer positive encouragement and practical support that is personally relevant to her.

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learnt as a parent is that I need to understand my daughter’s why. Her father and I need to remember that it is her purpose, her goals, her hopes and her dreams that are the most powerful motivators. We need to be alert to our daughter’s strengths and appreciate her patterns of thought, emotion and behavior. We need to be aware of her values. This will help us, help her.

If you would like to know more about how to recognise your child’s Strengths or how to adopt a Strengths based approach to parenting contact Nicole today for a complimentary introduction to Strengths coaching session.

m: 0425 209 008 e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

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I Know My Strengths, Now What?

January 4, 2016 By Nicole Feledy

You’ve done a Strengths Assessment. Now what?

You were probably excited in the beginning. You read the results and felt comforted. You saw things you did well and felt happy because your talents are valuable. You realised you can direct your talents and achieve greater success.

Good on you!

That’s why tools such as the Clifton Strengths Finder are so valuable. They help you identify your talent and offer a challenge. They give you an opportunity to be intentional in your actions and apply what you do well to achieve more.

Are you still doing it?

As with any new learning or way of being, you need to keep applying something until it becomes a habit. Even then, if you want to grow, develop and be skilled, you need to continually and consciously, move. This movement isn’t always physical, sometimes it is emotional and sometimes it’s intellectual.

A Personal Example

Recently I was talking to a friend about the CSF and how to use it. He said he found the report accurate and interesting but as a person who’s already on a conscious path and already self-aware, he wasn’t sure how he’d continue using the information. His point was valid – and may go a long way toward explaining why I’ve found it challenging to grow my business to the next stage. For the past five days, I’ve sat on this question. I’ve let the ideas grow into an answer. Here’s something I realised – just this morning.

I don’t mobilise people, I mobilise ideas. Whereas I’ve thought of myself as a people person, I’m beginning to see, I’m not – at least not in the classical sense. My place of strength, my achievement zone lays within the office of the mind. I like to get ideas off the ground, people simply come attached to the idea. That’s not to say people aren’t important. Of course they are, they’re the reason for the idea. However my talent lies within gathering, blending and building thought. I find it more complicated when gathering, motivating or influencing people.

People are my ‘Why’. Ideas are my ‘how’ and ‘what’. I do what I do because I want to help people. I want to support those around me and I want to give them an environment where they can reach their dreams. However, my process for doing so doesn’t rely on them. I don’t need people to do something. Instead my activity relies on me and the ideas I create and share.

I hope you’re following this train of thought – I guess what I’m trying to express is for me, a Jerry Maguire style epiphany.

Knowing that 4 of my top 5 Talent Themes are in the Strategic Thinking domain has given me the freedom to be comfortable in thought. I don’t need to follow the sales rules offered in certain professional development courses (you know, the ones that say; ‘I failed in business for the first three years and now I make SIX figures – you can too if you follow these 7 steps’).

Instead, I choose forge my own path.

You can too.

This post isn’t about offering rules for Strengths based awareness or guidelines for using your Strengths and achieving your 2016 goals.

Instead it’s about inspiring thoughts. That’s what I do best. What you choose to do with those thoughts is up to you. Rather than give you new ideas, I’d like to help you access your thoughts. I’d like to help you sort through your ideas and, I can help you settle your mind when the ideas come so thick and fast it’s like a wading through a heavy storm.

So, if you have taken your CSF and are wondering what to do with your new knowledge, I can help. I can help you grow and develop your thoughts by recognising how they connect with your emotions. Then it’s up to you to choose your actions, actions you feel comfortable with and that are right for you.

For me, this is a powerful thought. It is one of the magic self-realisations made possible by deep reflection and a daily conscious choice to flex and develop my innate talents.

What now … How will you choose to use YOUR talents.

Learn how to unlock your innate talent using the Clifton Strength Finder. Develop the relaxation and mindfulness habits that allow you to manage your mind. If you’d like to know more about improving your communication skills or gaining a greater awareness of your innate patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour, contact Nicole today, We’re based in QLD and can arrange face to face consultations on the Gold Coast or in Sydney. Alternatively ask about our Skype sessions.

Call today to arrange your complimentary introduction to Strengths coaching session.

m: 0425 209 008 e: nicole@isthismystory.com

Welcome to a World of Expression

Focus | Engage | Inspire

Choose to Be The Author of Your Life

When Learner, Input & Intellection Go Dark

My Strengths Family

How Can I Support My Anxious Son

How to Encourage a Positive Approach to Senior Study

I Know My Strengths, Now What?

Live a Mindful Strengths based Narrative

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